Q/C: I used your WizBats to compose a unique email to my fiancée, and now she's gotten a restraining order against me. Why? Ùºº˜ºˆÚ
A: Jittlov ScreenFont is amazing, but it isn’ºt VºöÙ. For electronic communication, this font must also ºbe in your Significant Other’s ºcomputer. Deity
knows what she received. I recommend sending her a complete Jittlov Font & ReadMe, along with a dozen roses, a box of Teuscher chocolates, and your credit
card. When your Ex is communicating again, please use the more traditional Jittlov font. Or send her a string of ÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿ and call her on voice-phone.
By the way, if any WizBats inadvertantly correspond to obscenities in your language, please understand that sorting all these պ˺qnimages was a little
complex. Deciding upon a font’s 221 character positions means 221 factorial possibilities, which means 221! = 1ºxº2ºxº3ºxº4ºxº5…219ºxº220ºxº221 = ………well, let’s
just say the number’s too big for this little PowerBook Calculator. Or for this entire PowerBook. Then factor in another 221! for the accompanying Italic font.
And 442! for each additional dual font in the Jittlov suitcase, and trying to play font-diplomat to everyone on Earth. The Wiz-brain is throbbing, just recalling
the process. Oy-vey & uff-da. If my subconscious arranged something naughty, kindly let me know so we can both have a good laugh. And I can change it.
Stay tooned for Jittlov WizBats — no letters,ºno accent-graves, just wall-to-wall WizBats, with special characters to kludge your own pictures!
Q/C: Allrite MrJ-Man, I maed anew ASCII sUper-sig9 ROckeT -> ≈•∑D}}}}}}BIFFruleSººººº- but it wonot fit onto my filenaem like you said!!
A: That’s because filenames only accept 31 characters (including spaces), and your charmingly retro artwork is actually 51 characters long. Here, I’ºll show
you [Wizard pulls down the Style menu, selecting Extended] ≈•∑D}}}}}}BIFFruleSººººº- [Yee-gawwwd, wotta screendump] Either take off
a rocket stage (guess which one) — or use the WizBats, which each count as just one low-calorie character! A pixel-picture’s worth 1000 words! Use one
today. Please. And post it on alt.warlords. Coming Soon: Jittlov InterNet SpelCekkur — Wac furrit!
Q/C: You even have a miniature “Meriday in the Morning”º just like the famous Usenet centerfold. But aren’ºt you worried the artist will find out? A
A: He already knows.ÀHe’s typing these words. Meriday knows too. G Because she’s a real, live psychic — along with being a genius, ICB & Usenet
wizardess, NetGhoddess and gorgeous babe (5'9" in her stocking feets, a red-gold brunette with warm brown eyes and a 900-line voice). Some people believe
that her ASCll portrait, aka ‘The Mona Lisa of the Internet’ ºhas been floating around the digital domain for decades. It first appeared on December 17, 1992,
when I type-painted and posted it as a pre-Xmas present in “my” newsgroup, alt.fan.mike-jittlov. Contrary to the RumorNet, she only posed for this portrait
in my dreams, and we’re merely the Best of Friends (which ain’ºt bad at all). The easily-downloaded type-character picture was soon crossposted by netgeeks
everywhere, usually with all copyright and credits removed (though look closely at the portrait’s ASCll-earring, and you’ºll see it spells out “WIZ!*”º).
A A º- ¢ From 1,600 email messages, Meriday’s apparently gracing the sides of IBM filing cabinets around the world, and the ASCll is
B B ö> º£ accurate enough that she’s been recognized in public (and while fully clothed!). Do a netsearch for her homepage — using
, C (= º´ Meriday, Meriday Beth Komor, or mbkomor@remarque.berkeley.edu — to see the original full-length portrait, and photos of
D J J • recent adventures. She also posts her discoveries in the pet/herpetology-care newsgroups, and on her favorite TV show,
E K K ¶ “Babylon5”. The Jittlov Font even has Meriday’s two familiars: Velcro, a bright-eyed 42" iguana (who clings to everythingº)
F L L ß ˆ , and her bigger mate Majykº ˆ (whom I call Snap-Dragon) (NB, don’ºt wear blue and green around an iguana in ‘season’º).
Check out the Jittlov-SixPix Legend for all of Meriday’s forms and friends,ÉÖ º≠âàÇSR º-≥Xª™ ≤ ⁄ Y
along with many other luminaries from the Internet — including the NetGhod Kibo “ x ºw º B
(in his Boston gasmask, with personal font suitcase)! Also depicted is Meriday’s º” z ºv º,
Arch Acquaintance (as well as nearly everyone else’s), Usenet’s most infamously º‘ º { Ò J
omnicritical and openly altitudinally-challenged mystery alien, the Irrespressible ’ º | º “ K ºÒ
Gharlane of Eddor (in Terran Encounter Suit) — along with Gharlane's half-brother. ÷ º } º ± L ˆ ÷ ˆ
[SixPix is currently in hodge-podge diasarray]
Q/C: I no longer need my fiancée, now that I’ve arranged your WizBats into an XXX-erotic tableau, and I want to send you a CD-ROM of the result. ó º‹
ºò\
A: No thanks, the post office is watching me after your last mailing. But if this keeps you off the streets, and out of my neighborhood, then I’ve done my part.
Trucks®, MacApple®, MicroSquish®, ResEdit™, Barney™ and United Religions Inc†, and we are suing you for $10,000,000 for each trademark omission and
infraction thereof, in addition to having the FºBI™ and US Government® prosecute you for interstate and international copyright infringement. º˙
A: Byte me, lawdawg. { doubt the FºBI and California State Attorney General would help you sue somebody for making a Rorschach smaller than a grain
of rice, when they didn’ºt care to go after Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment (now AmSell Ent˙) for its illegal worldwide distribution of my copyrighted „
(which has over 136,800 35mm 3200-line-resolution images, not to mention an ASCAP-registered soundtrack). Better you should hire ºsuch a workaholic, and
channel his prodigious creative energies into something productive (like saving your company, which is in real ººtrouble if these dots threaten the empire).
The fair thing for all copyright holders of readily discernable pictures herein depicted, is to be paid a royalty based upon the number of pixels in said pictures,
in proportion to the total number of pixels used in this entire font, divided into the monetary amount charged for the font, minus my fee for advertising your
org. I leave this job to your corporate bean-counters. Of course, you ºmust then send royalties to descendants of Pi Sheng (11th century Chinese blacksmith
who first invented movable type), of Johannes Gensfleisch Gutenberg and Lourens Coster (German & Dutch inventors of type-printing, 1456), of William Caslon
(English fonteer, 1692-1766), and of Xavier Progin (French inventor of the typewriter, 1833) — whose work youº’re using in all your $350/hour legal documents.
And if Paramount can actually trademark the letter Q™ (for ͺTNG character merchandising), perhaps I ºshould trademark the letter e, and finally re™tire™ in
style™. Kindly note that I am not pursuing a class-action lawsuit against the entire media & merchandising industry ºfor making a fortune from my invention
of the Happy Face (º˘˙º). Didn't know that, didja? The little icon was actually created semi-concurrently by two Americans in the 1960's — by Harvey Ball (a
graphics artist in Worcester, Massachusettes, drawing it in Dec’63 for a State Mutual Insurance subsidiary and a $45 fee) — and by yours truly, maniacally
drawing it for FºREE all over Silverlake, Hollywood, Los Angeles, UCLA (1965-1966) and while hitchhiking across the USA to Montreal’s Expo’67. (Now admissable,
because I am safely beyond the Statute of Limitations.) I take no credit, however, for creating the omnivorous PacMan ‰ (ºprobably drawn by a young Bill
Gates). Let that be a lesson to all gray-suits: employ those obsessive-compulsives, keep them away from sensitive media and from affecting the world in
Q/C: What ºa sensational opportunity for BuggaDoom™ Chemical & Feed Corp to promote its latest product! We’ºll pay you $420,000 to design a font with your
WizBats pushing JunKola™º(ºJ) upon the unsuspecting Mac community!!
A: «gasp» ºÈ j/O ºamount of money could entice me to do something so morally outrageous, blatantly manipulative and crassly commercialistic! I am shocked
that anyone, let alone a little voice inside my head, would even think ºof using this wonderful, essential, typographic medium to compromise the integrity of the
InterNet, to globally communicate messages so personal, so urgent, so… Hmmmm…
O/C: You have insulted half of the human species with your vulgar, simplistic representation of Woman. ˜ ºWhere are the semi-nudeºmale ºicons?!?
€ ˚ ˚ ˚ Ë
A: Right here — full fontal nudity — color them to your fleshtone desires. ˚ ˚ ˚º˚º˚º˚º˚ If you’re referring to something more provocative, this
ex-Net Icon is fully prepared to discuss the topic in great depth (and length and breadth), though only with the Woman of my Dreams. Let us work together,
night and day, and co-create new little characters which will amaze and illuminate this reality for generations to come. I’ve even arranged a row of WizBats
to subliminally prompt my soulmate to call me, if She is exploring this font and experimentally typing out the Option+Shift+numbers 1 through 0 (sort-of):
◊ ÿ ºŸ ⁄ € º ‹ ºfi fi fl fl º‡ ‡ · ·‚ „ º‰ Â Ê Ê
(Hey, if the Remington £ designers had the moxie to put all the letters for spelling “YOUR ºPRETTY ºQUIET ºTYPEWRlTER” on a single row of upper keys… )
Q/C: Oh please, Mr. Wizard, tell us more! Ÿ
 Ê
A: Well…if you insist. (And they say subliminals don't work — HA! ) (There’s still 1K of space left in this ReadMe, so this is my golden opportunity to make
a Matchmaker’s Ad, which may haunt me long after I post this on the Internet, but I am serious about finding a mate.) All I desire is to meet, marry, and live
happily-and-productively-ever-after with a bright, pretty, fun-loving, natural girl-nextdoor, who is honest, optimistic, idealistic, artistic, sometimes mystic;
nonreligious but spiritual, old-fashioned but pro-choice and Equal Rights; passionately creative, caring, courageous, independent, unafraid of being special;
ÿ ºshe’s warm, easy-going, patient, gentle, prefers harmony to conflict, and never gets angry without real reason; a cat-person, bird-lover,
º¨ ª º talkative listener, too curious, playful and interesting to ever use the word ‘boring’; of mostly Nordic ancestry, mixed Northern European-
º b à AmerIndian-Asian also welcomed; with a cute nose, starry blue eyes, long blonde hair, slender and trim without trying; tall (5'8"-5'11"),
ºf º ºÕ long straight legs and arms, naturally athletic, a hiker, bicycler, distance walker; chronologically 26-42, but young-looking/thinking/feeling,
ºjºº Œ hasn’ºt thrown away her youth or dreams; non-abusive, non-abusee, who doesn't hate her parents, or men, or women; free of diseases,
ºk œ divorces, dependents, defendants and financial debts; doesn’ºt smoke, toke, drink, do drugs, swear, snort, snore or eat sushi; not jaded or
ºl – hardened, not into dominance, leather, Manhattan, etcetera; no fears of flying, heights, loud noises, cameras or audiences; monogamous,
faithful, an absolute romantic, Big Sur by moonlight, cuddling by candlelight, sweet, sexy, shy, sensuous and super-sensitive, who loves getting (and giving)
earth-moving backrubs; who’s never married, or much else, a prodigy who would love progeny; who is looking for her soulmate, lifemate, best friend and
equal partner in life… And who has read all the way to here without laughing hysterically.
In other words — I’m looking for my female twin. Except that I’m 6'2", 180#, fairly nearsighted Æ. And age 48 outside (24 inside). With all of my eyes,
teeth, fingers and toes! And 95% of my hair! (And half my wits.) In Los Angeles!! That ought to count for something… Talk about stamina, survival skills, and
supernatural Luck. (Ghod, I’m so easy. Hope all the women don’ºt all telephone me at once.)
Q/C: Why are all of you º*#@!‰ ºmen fixated on tall, slender, blue-eyed blondes?!? hºhºhºhºhºhÅ
A: I am a tall, slim, blue-eyed, dark-blond male. It is allowed. I actually have sound, understandable, non-übermensch reasons for my mate-preference —
along with reflexes fast enough to dodge objects when prospective girlfriends hear those reasons. Blame overdeveloped senses from prolonged celibacy, and
a restrictive heredity. Blue-eyed blonds are reportedly a Tibetan-Mongolian mutation, brought by the Huns to Europe; with generally smaller pores and more
translucent skin and bones, they need cooler environments with cleaner air and less overhead sun. Definitely not Los Angeles — where brunettes, noirettes,
orangettes and Germanic blondes seem to thrive. Such femmes are physically too hot for me, preferring the Caribbean Islands to the Lofotens, Cancun to
Svolvær. Dark-haired/eyed women also have too much of my mother’s scent. Mom’s absolutely terrific, but…well, ask Freud and the major-histocompatibility
researchers. Brown-eyed brunettes trigger me to run away. Blondes inspire me to stay, and play…we’re like catnip to each other. I like ºthat. ◊º*◊
BTW, I've been ºto Scandinavia. Where blonds are a ≤10% minority. Norway (6%) nevertheless felt like Home, especially along its rugged north coast — but all
women attracted to me were either married, smoking, or still in high school. Or all three. › I have searched through Sweden, Iceland, Ireland, Scotland,
England, Denmark, Disneyland…yet I am still matchless. All I want is my perfect dream — is that too much to ask?? Do not try to cheer me with lists of Blonde
Jokes, my lonely braincell does not enjoy that sort of teasing. This Wizard also humbly suggests readers not change the color of their hair/eyes/scentº just to
attract a mate, unless they want ºsomeone with the IQ of a network programming executive. Human animals have unique plumage and other sensory triggers
for natural purposes. Confusing nature has become a goldmine for modern science, the cosmetics industry, and the legal profession. Divorce rates climbed
steeplyº just after oral contraceptives were invented, reportedly because women on the Pill prefer the stench of less compatible men, and woman off the Pill
wake up. 50% of American marriages now end in divorce. …Which means, that the other 50% end inºdeath. ºHmm…I must ponder this. S Ÿ
Q/C: It’s incredible! An original, complete, hyper-font! With five textfiles of bizarre ramblings! How can you afford to do all this for free??
A: Well, the truth is, I can’ºt. But…so what? Sometimes you gotta do things just because it’s right. Because your Inner Spirit is saying, keep going, you can
finish this, you don’ºt really need to sleep, other martyrs have gone months without food and you can too! ººThen when friends visit to see if you’re still alive, and
they start pointing at your computer, at the tiny font and all the tiny animated cursors & icons and they start jumping up and down and they want it, oh please!!
— Well, gosh…it’s selfish to confine such rapture to this dancing desktop, when it could be released upon all ºof the unsusp…the font-loving people of the Earth!
Your telepathically-transmitted JOY is my reward, and it shall nourish my spirit even though my body dwindles off this plane, leaving only this echoing message:
“Process the Negative, Illuminate the Positive, (The lesson of Hollywood is universal.)
Enjoy the Big Picture, and Share the Popcorn.” (Or paramount.) (Whatever.)
The Jittlov Font is the beginning. What can be done with simple tools, and a few libraries of books. This is also a test. If the ripoff entremaneurs take my
work and I’m discouraged from all further distribution of the rest of my creations, then Reality and everyone won’ºt get the really good stuff to come. If I
survive past this point, attract happiness and sustenance for my spirit and talents, then everyone shares the benefits. It should be interesting.
Q/C: I can’ºt stand it! My wallet/pocketbook/purse is screaming!! I absolutely must ºpay you something ºfor this extraordinary gift and all this work!! Ú
A: Reading to the end of this should be payment enough. The Jittlov Font is *free*. Which also means you must not sell it, or put it into anything which you
distribute for sale or subdistribution, without my prior, specific authorization. (Otherwise, it's really really bad Karma…you don't want to know… Just bear in
mind that I was all seven of the Û Dark Spirits of VengeanceºÛ ºin the 1990 megahit-movie, “Ghost”›…check the credits…‘Nuff said.) But if your gratitude
is truly overwhelming (or the Howling Spirits of Vengeance are getting on your nerves), there is an outlet — The Exciting & Special Jittlovian WizWorld Offer:
· Send $20 to me — and I will send a postcard to You.
Q/C: No, wait, $20?! That’s too much! I never pay for shareware, let alone fºreeware!! C’mon, $20 for aº postcard????!
A: Hey, you asked. But it’s not just any ºold drugstore postcard. It’s a postcard from ‰. A postcard with a ‰ moviestar stamp (if available).
It is a postcard autographed to you personally — by a ‰ moviestar, ‰ director, ‰ writer, ‰ animator, ‰ effects wizard,
‰ stuntman (etc) and ºa ‰ native (moi). It’s a postcard in a uniquely tiny handwriting that’s finer than Sir Isaac Newton’s, even smaller than
this screenfont, with a real signature º(unlike Walt Disney’s 3-artist autograph). And it’s a postcard that is truly rare. Judging from traditional shareware
response, I anticipate writing about a dozen of them. Be the first in your country.
Just for comparison, consider that a 10-minute visit with an L.A. doctor can cost $100 or more, and you probably can't even read the name of the placebo on
your prescription. Three hours of an L.A. attorney can cost $1200, and all you’ºre guaranteed is a bill — no ºpicture postcard. And a full page of Jittlovian
micro-writing takes a week to create (not counting recovery therapy), and currently sells for $2000 (if I can find somebody who’ºll pay me that). But for a
measily $20, you could get a lifetime of accumulated skill enscribed into a uniquely personalized artwork — an archival curiosity and conversation-starter
that will fascinate all visitors for many years to come (much like your aunt’s shoebox of photos).
To avoid being swamped by tycoon collectors and commerical memorabilia exchanges, this offer is restricted to ONE postcard per person and/or address.
Kindly enclose a brief note with your life story, hopes, dreams and future goals, and what type of postcard picture you desire (Hollywood, Los Angeles, the
Beach, daytime, night, tourist montage, bikini babes, movie stars, Disney characters, or send a card from your own area), we aims to please. Your Jittlovian
postcard will be the actual item — not some ‘limited edition lithographic replica’º — but a genuinely rare ºcollectible created by a ‰ mega-auteur
filmmaker, a personal letter that you’ºll probably never get from Lucas or Spielberg, certainly never from Chaplin, Welles, or George Méliès. All for less than
the price of a parking ticket. Much prettier in a scrapbook or double-view frame. And only available while Iº’m still around and relatively uncaffeinated.
And it’s $20 US, cash only, no checks (I won’ºt cash them, no matter how promising). This covers materials, and 3 hours of my life — writing the first-draft of
the message, ¯ ºto ‰, searching for the perfect postcard and buying it, , writing the message on the postcard, making a mistake because of a sudden
earthquake, wading through panicked tourists to buy another postcard, rewriting slowly and carefully between aftershocks, ¯ ºto the post office, waiting in
liiiiine, postage searching, having the clerk hand-cancel the card so mostly the stamp is overwritten, ¯ back to WizWorld to wait for Her phonecall… Please
note that this special offer goes up $5 each year. It's 1997 now. Don’ºt wait until the year 2056, or such a postcard could set you back $320. And I might be
too maritally occupied to accommodate you. (You may want to call first — and actually talk with ‰º’s most humble Living Legend ; º )
Q/C: Is there anything else ºyou’re trying to hawk?
A: Just the remaining Kelly Freas ‘Wizard of Speed & Time’ Posters, for $50 each. But that’s in the ReadMe for Jittlov MenuBabes & AnimIcons. Watch for it.
And maybe my potential… If I can pour this much effort and creativity into a project forºfºree, imagine what I could do for something even more rewarding.
Q/C: Where’ºs your web-site? I want to download all the latest stuff.
A: You’re in luck, there’s now a web-site in every corner of this room. To download them all, simply bring over a good Electrolux. (…Collectors!º Jeeze.)
GGGGºy As for ye Netsurfers — Dudes & Dudettes, start your search-engines! There may actually still be a Jittlovian Webpage, where new additions to
the magic font suitcase appear every month. Maybe sooner, if I am inspired and encouraged by financial freedom. Maybe less often, if I have to get a real
ºjob. Or maybe never, if I perish from loneliness. It all depends on you. Not that I’m laying a guilt-trip transference or anything.
Q/C: If I send you an erased CompuServe floppy-disk, will you fill it with the latest version of this font and everything else you have, and send it back to me so
that I can complete my collection of Jittloviana? Thanks in advance.
º{
A: I will happily do all that and much, much more — but only if you’re the aforementioned blonde. Then we can explore completing everything… ‹ët t
(BTW, my Brother Gregor is happily hitched, and Wife Susanº has produced their genius son, Greg Junior, who’s running and talking at 18 months. I’m the only
available Jittlov…the Final Fontier. Marry a Movie-Star — for *FºREE!* …or these ReadMe’s will just get longer and more desperate.)
‚ (More True Facts in Jittlov Font Legend — Part 5)
